I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
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Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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