he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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