You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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