I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize