she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
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Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
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Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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