I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
