I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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