Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
