I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
