Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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