Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
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She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
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Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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