I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
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But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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