Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
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There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
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Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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