You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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