You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize