i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
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Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
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If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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