need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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