I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
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she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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