This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize