I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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