Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
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I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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