she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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