I think I just saw someone hide a body.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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