I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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