I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
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I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
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Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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