I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
