the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize