i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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