when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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