I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
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So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
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Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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