I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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