everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
you inspire me to be a worse person
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I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
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She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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