Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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