You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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