Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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