I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
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I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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