The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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