My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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