it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
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I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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