I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
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I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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