WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
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is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
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Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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