4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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