my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina just recognized that song.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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