I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
