Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
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It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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