Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize