I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize