Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize