and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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