If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
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He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
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Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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