So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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